The last two weeks has been the hardest in my life. Being already dread and exhausted from pain, with my last breath before extinction, the only safe space was held in a hospital at DRK Berlin to find answers. I always knew healthcare and recovery here is at a high level, since I live and used to cycle 30km near this area regularly, cool down and see the people around.
My body was fighting so hard against infection, I would be sweating extensively in a cooled down room and in calm, and getting migraines waking up. I knew my stress levels and I learned that major threats in life and crisis do increase the threshold of risks. It always shows up in body and physiological symptoms sooner or later.
Gratitude
I remember life advice from a dear friend — to be extremely careful about whom I choose to work with, and in my life. It's emotional intelligence and alignment of intention, goals and holding for each other. I'm very grateful to receive support from my dear friends who are close as living part of myself. I'm also happy to be in such a supportive work collective, being in an environment which studies somatic and psychosomatic health and recovery. Having colleagues who understand migraines and full body-mind health connection makes it a fully inclusive work space.
Body Remembers
I've learned the body keeps score on everything — burnout, financial strain, relationships that take more than they give, situations where staying safe means shrinking yourself. None of it stays abstract. It shows up as inflammation. As a nervous system that never fully powers down. It shows up in the body.
There is no other separate entity weighing you. On that balance it was never measured how much you had prayed or obeyed. What was measured was your coherence with yourself — how much you had lived aligned with your divine self, rather than under the weight of fear, resentment and lies. And the one holding the balance is you: All, of which you are part and which you also are, looking at itself through your eyes and examining. So the real test is finding who you really are through intention, presence, and, sometimes toughest moments, to leave who you were not, and think through clarity and not the noise. There is no one to carry this migraine for you but you.
Catalysis
After these two weeks in chronic migraine I couldn't feel anything but pain — constant pressure, sharp pain, pain signalling through neurons, pain from bright light, tinnitus, like the ringing was rising off the ocean, pain from the noise of others around — their voice pitches, anxiety in their movements, behavior, smells. I would be so annoyed and scared of the smallest triggers it turned into chaos. By then I couldn't even fear it anymore — I was too exhausted for that, just trying to stay upright. My vision was transforming from hard blur to tunnel vision, distorted voices, expressions, hallucinations. I tried every medication, every pain killer over the counter, in hospital, and it wouldn't stop.
The pain during the MRI nearly killed me, the noise of it was triggering migraines, that I would hold myself hard from starting to shake and burst from pain. The results showed inflammation. There is no more destruction than your own brain trying to kill you.
Resilience
I just woke up one day and the very dark storm was intensively destroying my mind without any possibility to slow it down and heal. It is a chronic and disabling condition. All I wanted was returning time for one day to feel like myself again.
People in this hospital are excellent caregivers and in neurology, finally, they understand what I'm going through. They are informed and monitor symptoms, and adjust my medications accordingly. I feel grateful to be in such good hands from nurses, doctors, and the head of the clinic who explained to me the treatment and guided me through the process.
Writing
Today I was given a wonderful book by my partner, and it makes me feel much better to see how much we are aligned in our way of thinking. Lately I started writing a book about going through my life with intention and purpose. Today he shared with me this incredible work that is ready to publish. Here are some of the phrases that stand out and bring momentum to finding hope and motivation through hard times:
Life often is not happening to you: it is reflecting you. And just as the great oak is held up by roots no one sees, your visible life — work, results, struggles — is held up by an invisible root: purpose.
Putting it into practice. For thirty days, every evening, write a single line: not “what happened to me”, but “what I reflected”. And beside it, the question of rectification: this conviction about what I should do with my life — did I choose it, or did I absorb it? From peace, from desire, from growth, or from fear? By the end of the month you will have a map more honest than any test.
Motivation
In just the last two weeks I was able to find a solution to automate the collection of my health reports and get valuable insights from the entire year, that is more precise than I had ever written myself day by day. Being a migraine patient I know exactly what frustration brings writing a diary and reminding myself about chronic illness every day. Now I'm having evidence I needed for long term treatment. I believe that I'm able to help thousands of other women and men keep track of their migraine conditions and improve their quality of life.
I built this software during my long migraine, lying in hospital with hope to get better. My mission is to give this hope to others and live more days pain-free.
